Family

Day 30 – Things you never thought…

Parenting is this whole other world. When you meet your tiny human you’re transported into this club of mini vans and team moms – a place you’ve seen in movies, but never thought you’d be a part of.

And you find yourself talking and thinking about all these things you would often roll your eyes over, and say “I’m never gonna be like that.”

Reality check: You will.

– PDP – Public Displays of Parenting. This includes but is not limited to: breastfeeding in public, changing a dirty diaper in your car outside a mall and navigating your stroller though a crowded restaurant.

– How Much, How Often. This goes for feeding, pooping, bathing and sleeping. All for the baby of course ;) You’ll be amazed at how thrilled you’ll get over a dirty diaper when baby’s been on poop strike for 4 days. I did a legit happy dance last week over that one.

– Did You Hear Something? You’ll develop a superhuman hearing ability. Baby cries lasting longer than 5 min will no longer register. But you will awake from a dead sleep seconds before your baby stirs for a middle of the night feeding.

– The Early Bird Special. A whole new set of restaurant criteria is now necessary. The key question being, “is it baby friendly?” Do they have a parking lot? Booths or tables? Room for a car seat, what about stroller parking?

– Bonus Points. Parenting wins include: prime parking at the grocery store, right next to the cart return. Discovering a public restroom has a changing table. And spotting another parent and similar aged baby out in public. Look! You too?!

 

Family

Day 29 – The Logistics of Baby Transpiration

The mission: You need to run some errands around town. The Bank, Target and the Grocery store. You don’t have anyone to watch the tiny human, so along he comes.

It goes down like this:

Step 1 – Make a game plan. Mentally map out your attack on the town. Working in a circle from the homebase out, just in case there’s a meltdown and you need to cut bait and retreat early.

Step 2 – Prep for the journey. “Tank up” the tiny human. Fresh diaper. Stock the diaper bag with emergency rations. Preferably time journey to fit within the 3 hour EASY schedule.

Step 3 – Lock and Load. Place tiny (heavy) human in carseat. Strap and secure. Grab diaper bag, shopping lists, reusable bags, Ergo carrier, water (Mama is always THIRSTY), wallet, cell phone, keys.

Step 4 – Launch. Get everything and everyone in the car.

Step 5 – Arrive at Destination #1. Baby is awake and alert. Unload stroller, grab Bank items, hook carseat into stroller. Approach bank. Open bank door, enter bank backwards – pulling stroller. Note: pulling stroller > pushing so you avoid the reach, pull and hold door dilemma. Make way to bank line. Rock stroller back and forth, responding to tiny human’s smiles and “goos.” Complete banking, while swapping babytalk with the teller. Exit bank with same pull stroller strategy.

Step 6 – Re-load and re-launch. Repeat beginning of Step 5 in reverse. Carseat into car. Stroller into trunk. Drive.

Step 7 – Arrive at Destination #2. Baby is awake and alert. Secure Ergo carrier. Insert baby. Grab shopping list. Make way to Target and locate a shopping cart. Select the loudest, most clunkly cart of the lot on the first attempt. Don’t recognize this until you’ve reached the point of no return. Attack store with focus and determination. No time for idle browsing and “tagnet” (target-magnet) phenomenon in which previously unneeded items make their way into your cart. Implement rocksway movement to keep baby content when stopping to consider a purchase. Check out. Doing the baby-wearing dip while leaning back so as not to disrupt the sleeping human strapped to your chest as you transfer items from your cart to the belt. Answer babyvitals questions with the checker. Name, Age, Sleeping pattern status.

Step 8 – Reload and relaunch. Transfer purchased goods to car. Return shopping cart. Remove sleeping tiny human from Ergo and reinsert into carseat. Secure. Drive.

Step 9 – Baby disposition pending, arrive at Destination #3. Secure Ergo. Insert sleeping baby. Grab shopping list and reusable bags. Make wiser (and silent) cart selection. Approach store in a methodical manner. Always poised for babymeltdown and subsequent cart abandonment.  Complete shopping. Repeat baby-wearing dip. Repeat babyvitals questions with checker and bagger.

Step 10 – Reload and set course for home. Transfer groceries. Return cart. Secure sleeping tiny human in carseat.

Step 11 – Arrive back at homebase. Remove carseat and groggy baby from vehicle. Set on kitchen counter. Silently pray tiny human can keep his cool just a little longer so you can unload car and get melting ice cream into the freezer. Make as few trips back and forth from car as possible. Load maximum amount of items onto person to lessen repeat trips.

Step 12 – Finish Strong. Unpack purchased goods at rapid pace. Plead with tiny human to hang in there for “just a minuet” while you fling frozen items anywhere they’ll fit.

Step 13 – Decompress. You did it! Another successful adventure out in the world. Feed tiny human and thank him for his patience and good behavior on the journey.

Family

Day 20 – Lessons from Tina and Amy

Pretty much, I love me some Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I’ve been campaigning for them to host the Oscars long before they did their first round on the GGs.

Why do I love them so hard? Well, they’re women (der), work in the same crazyinsane business I do,and they’re mama’s.

Perhaps my single most favorite moment in the universe involving Amy:

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SO pregnant and SO amazing.

Oh, and um, can we take a moment and give mention to the masterpiece that is Baby Momma? I know, right?!

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Entertainment gold.

If that isn’t enough Tina and Amy for you, here ya go.